I believe in life that we all at some stage compare ourselves to the ‘Joneses’, whether we decide to keep up with the ‘Joneses’ depends on how important material things are in life. In relationships, this idiom is quite a good one in supporting what is more or less an observation of what I refer to as the couples facade.
Quite a few friends I know are in a state of ‘limbo’ in their relationships and I began to think what benefits could there possibly be to continue in such a state of being?
According to the online free dictionary, here are a few of the interesting definitions that all fall under the term limbo (less the party dance definition that involves passing under a bar via super human back-bending):
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So I don’t know about you, but none of the above sound very appealing. Of course, we have all been there at some point in our lives - some a longer stay than others. The good news is that we typically have control as to whether as individuals we stay in limbo or not. However, when it involves attachment decisions to another person rather than say a career move, it seems the less discerning critic emerges. That is, good judgement is thrown out the door.
For those I know in limbo relationships (all fully aware that they live in limbo), they can’t seem to jump to one side of the fence even when the writing is on the wall. So returning to the initial Q, what benefit(s) is there then to continue being in this type of relationship? The only one I could come up with is that either person is not alone or lonely. There could be others such as someone to financially support you or someone to provide daily affirmations, but this is not a given in all partnerships, so I will stick with lack of loneliness for now.
That said, if in exchange for not being alone you feel in a state of limbo as defined in #2-4 above, then why stay? I am all ears to hear any blog readers reasoning(s). I have been a soundboard for years now with various friends as some were for me. I was once a victim of limbo-land myself and the internal dialogue of pros/cons drove me nuts when the answer was quite clear after I finished my list of BS excuses. For those of you who are still making excuses to stay in limbo, do me a favor and jump. Trust me that once you free yourself to actually embrace spending time alone and rediscovering yourself again, then and only then can you be open to something far better than a limbo relationship.
I need not elaborate on the subject, you know who you are. Just try being your own best company for once and eventually the missing pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.
Supplemental Listening: Chubby Checkers ‘Limbo Rock’
I remember when I was young there was a hit sitcom called thirtysomething my parents used to watch in the late 80s. Only just hitting double digits at the time, my 30s seemed a very long way off as did the life of the characters portrayed on the show who were married, dating, single and with children. Fast forward and here I am in what I think is a very self-defining decade of living. A crossroads if you may between what was and what will be.
Seems if ‘still looking’ in your 30s, it predominantly turns into this do/die point to find someone and settle down, mostly influenced by society’s standards. Adding fuel to the fire, friends who married in their 20s are typically swapping barfly for baby in their 30s. All the more unsettling when 30-something singletons don’t even have a significant other on the horizon to begin contemplating such a major life change. Some believing it will never happen!
No doubt, dating in your 30s is hard. So hard in fact that I believe quite a few of those dating in their late 20s-30s stay together out of convenience and fear of having to return to the dating game. This is especially true for the females with baby-making tunnel vision or females wanting the wedding day dreamed about since they were little girls. Explicitly choosing to settle rather than ‘gamble’ to find the person that is actually a good partner in their life and likewise. Why?!?
In your 30s, it fair to say that a bit of baggage has been acquired. It can make being single or settling seem like the obvious choice to avoid being hurt again or taking a chance on someone new. Others may conclude that there is no one out there worth dating or good enough to pursue. Some embrace 30-something by trying to relive their glory 20s party days or instead entirely engross themselves in their career goals. Others embrace a life of solitude happily. This is until they have to attend another wedding or baby shower or get asked, ‘Are you seeing anyone? Engaged? Why not?’ An entirely painful process.
This elusive 30s club is indeed a crossroads of what was/will be that is entangled with relationship nuances mentioned thus far. The way I see it, the ‘what was’ is the days of hoping things won’t change too much from our 20s and experiences therein, but it does. People move on and one by one drift … some intentionally and others based on priority. Some choose to follow the path of partner, house, kids and others choose a relationship with their career or themselves. Simply, the what ‘will be’ part is the person we choose to embrace and the person we leave behind.
If 30-something and ‘still looking’, don’t feel alone. There are plenty in the same boat. Whether still looking for the right partner, the right house, the right time to have children, the right career or the right friends to keep in their life or leave behind, you’re not alone. It is a decade filled with what was and what will be. Through it all though, never lose sight of what CAN be. Enjoy the decade fellow 30-somethings.
Well it has been way too long since my last entry, but leave it to St. Valentine to prompt me to write. Today made me think of the first time I had an understanding of what Valentine’s Day meant in both a commercial and non-commercial sense.
There is of course the early days in grade school (at least in the USA) where it was common practice to go and purchase a pack of 4” x 2” cards with speech bubble phrases such as ‘Be Mine Valentine’ illustrated with popular cartoon characters to pass out to classmates on Valentine’s Day. What this means to a 6 year old is a fun card collection from friends that eventually over time turns into a card from a boyfriend, girlfriend or anonymous admirer in ones teen years. After that, as the years roll on, the day becomes one of bitter-hate or an embraceable symbolism of love, depending on ones past experiences.
That said, we have all at one point or another heard Valentine’s Day referred to as a Hallmark Holiday. For those living under a rock or elsewhere, the phrase derives from the greeting card production line/Hallmark company banking on people to make one day of the year a day to express ones love to another significant being. And people surely do latch on to the idea the world round . . . for the most part. At least the store aisles plastered in red and white sure do think so.
I will never forget the boyfriends of past who always went on about how they ‘did not need a day to dictate when and how to say I love you’. As a result, I was often the girlfriend not receiving a dozen roses delivered at work for my co-workers to envy. I lived, but I have to say it was at times disheartening to watch the charades some loved up couples put on while you received zilch, especially when I was single status.
Yet, this brief entry is not about slamming the holiday filled with ample supply of boxed chocolates, red roses and stuffed teddy bears. It is about the card. You see, despite all the hoopla sometimes surrounding this day, each year without fail my grandmother sent a card filled with tiny confetti hearts for Valentine’s. No matter if I was dating someone or single, I could count on my letterbox to contain a card from her each year at this time. One with the Hallmark insigne.
Did this card in the mail make me feel a bit more loved? Sure thing. Although this is not to say I did not feel loved any other day of the year by my grandmother or anyone else for that matter, but it was that extra thought that stood out from any other typical day.
Sadly these days I no longer receive a card from my grandmother who is too unwell to send out hand-written and hand-posted cards of any sort in the mail. It may seem commercial to some, but I miss the ‘Hallmark Greeting’. I miss opening the letterbox to find a card addressed to me. I miss the tiny confetti hearts that fell out of the card when I opened it. I miss the message enclosed.
While we definitely never need a day to remind us to tell someone or show someone we love them, St. Valentine’s can’t be all bad nor can dropping a card in the mail that says, ‘Dear You, Happy Valentine’s Day! XOXO’.
The title phrase will be familiar and synonymous with those who have seen the popular romantic comedy ‘Bridget Jone’s Diary’. However, no problem if you haven’t seen it. This entry is not about the movie, but the phrase.
It occurred to me that so many people I know struggle to find a good relationship. This is to the extent that s/he will remain in a bad relationship because something is better than nothing and returning to the dating game is not ideal. I can understand this reasoning and will by no means say it is easy out there to find someone to share their life and interests with. Returning to singleton status would not be a wish of mine despite the sometimes attractive appeal of being free to do whatever you want when you want.
That said, there is at least one piece of wisdom I can shed light upon that will hopefully make you rethink relationships in general and for some empower change. I am an open book and what follows is quite a large chunk of my personal philosophy that will hopefully drive home the phrase ‘I Like You … Just As You Are’.
It personally took me some time to make the leap between disliking myself to accepting myself. While it may seem cliche, there is something to be said about loving yourself before you can truly love someone else. I’m pretty sure that I made certain guys lives miserable at times in dealing with my own insecurities aka: loving the skin I’m in. One of my favorite statements, ‘I’m feeling fat and don’t want to go out.’ This after changing my outfit about 10 times having confirming the first outfit looked good.
On the other hand past partners had the same effect due to their own personal issues or beliefs. For example, being jealous over male friends I knew since I was 12. Others being obsessed with image to the extent I felt I could never meet their standard.
Through it all I had one statement I lived by - ‘Never settle!’ This does not mean that you serial date and find something wrong with every individual you meet, therefore you literally never settle. Quite the contrary. It is more the idea that when in a relationship you don’t settle for changing who you are as a person. I don’t mean that if you have a drinking problem, you don’t change this behavior for the better of the person you are dating. More like if you have strong religious beliefs, you don’t suddenly become an atheist. Similarly, if you want to be married one day, you don’t continue to date someone who says they don’t believe in marriage for 5 years hoping they will change their mind. Walk away and move on.
Most of us can probably say that we have had at least one relationship where we were so entangled, we could not see the forest through the trees. Basically we could not see what those on the outside knew all along. Of course friends may have advised you that it was a dead end, but we all know advice is something we don’t tend to accept until we own the decision. The choice to stay or go.
The stay or go part is key. The point I want to drive home is that if the person you are currently dating does not like you for you, then go. This individual may practically be everything you want, but if deep down you know that you have compromised even one important aspect for the worse, then it is not worth it. Same for dating someone you think you can change to be someone s/he is not. Never easy when you are in the relationship because you tend to convince yourself there is no one else out there who will put up with your faults or that you are too old to be looking again or that they can change or that ditching all of your friends that make your partner jealous is logical or you don’t mind occasional infidelity, so you stay.
Maybe some of those scenarios work for certain people, but believe me when I say that there is always another person out there who will love the real you and likewise you love them for who they are. Yes, it is not easy to believe you deserve better or to find the right person. If the case, maybe take the time then to work on you and appreciate all of who you are and your own needs. Then and only then can you enter a relationship ‘just as you are.’
From the of the hit t.v. show ‘How I Met Your Mother’, Barney Stinson is the master at ways to pick-up the ladies. Should you be at a loss for ideas, check out his Top 10 moves to use this weekend. I implore any single guy to try one of Barney’s characters on the list and let me know how it turns out. Happy hunting.
Share: Best pick-up move that worked for you?
Most of my friends will have heard me use the line ‘class vs. trash’ in varying instances. As a person who promotes class over trash, I began to think about this in relation to attracting the right partner.
I wondered if someone is consistently attracted to dating ‘trashy’ individuals ending in a less than desirable relationship, then why do they keep returning to this archetype of an individual the next time around? More importantly, can this person actually distinguish a trashy individual over a classy individual? The answers I believe just may save a few future male or female verbal bashings.
So many people seem to get involved with the promiscuous girl or two-timing guy aka: trash. All fine if you are in it for fun. Yet for those in it for something a bit more serious, I asked myself how I could possibly help. That is to help those not looking for the good-time gal or guy to enter a more committable courtship.
Back to basics! We all initially approach another person based on physical attraction. Yet, if we are continually attracted to the ‘hot’ guy or girl who after a month of dating is found at the bar hitting on the next best thing, when will the cycle ever end?
I’ve decided the best way to approach the subject is through a ‘quiz’. Unlike the usual multi-choice questionnaires that produce a score with ‘insightful’ results, we are going to keep things simple. All you need to do is decide (based on the photo or what you believe s/he represents), whether you think the person is classy or trashy. There is a combo of pop culture and no-namers faces to look through.
I figure if you can decide whether or not someone is ‘trashy’ or not, then you are off to a good start in re-conditioning yourself to be attracted to the right girl or guy next time you are out at some social affair. NB: Leave the trash behind.
Enjoy deciding while also laughing. For fun discussion, do post your answers or comments about those whom you find trashy/classy (20 in total):
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Ever wonder what time of day will best increase your chances of having the optimal sexual experience? Maybe for some that is just plain having sex with anyone at anytime should the opportunity arise. However, it may be helpful to know for future reference that your body functions on your own ‘built in’ biological rhythm across 24 hours that is capable of better sex at certain times of day. So how can one selfishly and selflessly succeed at receiving the most sexual satisfaction in his/her day? Let’s start with a good breakfast . . .
This one I dedicate to the men in my life who found the bittersweet end of a cheating wife.
It may seem hard to think that women are the culprits of sexual deviance when so often it is the reversal that is depicted within most pop culture. Yet it happens - cheating bastards become cheating bitches. Of course before such harsh language is accepted and tolerated, let me tell the story of unfortunate outcomes that leads to this.
Whether you believe in marriage or not, I would like to think that most people are looking for someone to share our life with while on earth. My good friend indeed met such a person quite a few years ago now. He did end up marry her a couple years later. They moved to a new city with great jobs, a great home and eventually beautiful children. On paper they appeared to be the perfect nuclear family. That is until . . .
