He said he has changed .  .  . We talked over our issues and everything is great now .  .  . I know I can fix this .  .  . I miss him too much .  .  .

The list of excuses goes on and on. We have all done it despite our best attempts to make a clean break. What is it in our DNA that makes us think we can outsmart love in a relationship? Who really thinks that a break-up is merely just a break and not the beginning of the end?

Let’s take this example from one of my favorite sitcoms of all time, Seinfeld. In one particular episode Kramer tells Elaine and Jerry he is looking forward to breaking it off with his current girlfriend. The two of them support his decision by proceeding to reveal what they really thought of her all along in not so favorable terms. Too bad upon Kramer’s return attempt to breaking things off, he ends up staying in the relationship and doesn’t forget all too soon what his friends had to say about her (check out Season 3: Episode 4 for the rest of the scene and one hilarious episode overall).

The point being is that breaking up is hard to do and remaining broken up is even harder when hurting someone you cared about. Even when we know ending things is the best answer to the internal struggle of heart vs. mind, it isn’t easy (even with friendly support). This will be an obvious statement for all who’ve been there and done that. 

Somehow though, most of us who do get enough courage to end the relationship can’t seem to move on without a second shot at it. There are people that get back together out of mere pity, idle threats, belief the core issue that got them to this point in the first place has just disappeared and others simply out of convenience because s/he live together, s/he miss the sex too much or s/he can’t be bothered going back out into the dating world. All of the above settling for familiarity or out of guilt.

Too often I see it happen. Too often I have been in the middle of what I call the break-up, take back and both parties involved are my friends (never fun). I will be the first person to say that despite my best effort I have caved in past relationship break-ups, knowing full well that getting back together was not going to change what was already broken, only create a temporary fix. That said, I stand by the statement that the first break-up never takes and the ‘take back’ will come to an end eventually.

It may seem harsh, but I have to believe that when we consciously decide to ‘break-up’ the first time, it is for good reason(s). The hard part is remembering the reason(s) when the storm has settled and we are feeling alone again. How the mind can play tricks!

Side Note: In the Seinfeld episode, Kramer does end the relationship for good the 2nd time. Follow his initial lead and always trust your gut the first time around because if it didn’t feel right then, it probably won’t feel right later on.

Word of Advice: Try not to pull a Jerry and Elaine too soon when consoling a friend with truthful statements about their soon to be ex-girlfriend/boyfriend in an attempt to make them feel better about the decision or loss. First break never takes, so chances are you will be eating your words later on despite the fact you were only trying to help.

Share: Do you believe that after the first break-up you can get back together and make the relationship work for the long run? If so, why?